Sunday Blues

There’s this deep heavy ache within my chest today. All my emotions are close to the surface, and I feel like an exposed nerve. Today was great, and then around three everything just went downhill. My cramps sky rocketed in the pain department, and everything feels ten times more intense than it really is. Everyone has their own demons they have to fight and deal with, one of mine that’s been almost unbearable over the last couple of days  is loneliness. It is a heavy and almost crippling burden, and I only make it worse by not relying on anyone or opening up to someone…but I feel bad burdening someone else and yet that’s the only way to draw closer to others is to open up to them and to trust them with your heart and feelings. The other reason is because I don’t want to cry as soon as I start I know I won’t be able to stop.

I want an eternal companion so badly. A best friend and husband that I’ll never have to leave, wouldn’t it be great to be able to live with your bestest friend? I can’t help but wonder where he is and what he’s doing. Yesterday while out shopping I felt this deep sorrow that just made my chest ache and made me want to weep. I want to be with him now. I feel like I’m so strange compared to everyone else. I haven’t even met him yet and I feel like this? My friend a while back attempted to make me feel better about being single (cause you know that always ends well *sarcastic eye roll*) she said “well perhaps you’ll have a husband in the next life.”
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What? I’m sorry could you repeat that? I was shocked! Honestly that may make her feel better but it made me want to cry! I want a husband and kids in this life! I was so mad I was only able to muster a ‘well I hope not.’

Sometimes I wish I’d just yell or get mad and let people really know how I’m feeling rather than worrying about them and not wanting to burden them or “ruin” their day. I am working on being more open but it is so hard. Lately I’ve noticed with my sisters I cheer them up when they’re having a hard time, but if I’m having a hard time they give me lots of space or get annoyed with me. It’s not like I’m vocal about things very often, I usually get quieter and the air/mood around me gets a little heavier or darker. I try not to let my bad mood or hard times affect the people I’m around, projecting my problems onto them wouldn’t be fair or solve anything. But I hate how they don’t do anything and if they do notice they ignore it and act like everything is fine. I’m just being sensitive.

I really hate how lightly one my little sisters takes words and the impact they can have on others. She tells people to die, calls people losers and brats and other not bad but not nice things. I got really mad at her a while back when she told me to die and I even snapped at her that if that was the last thing she ever said she’d feel awful. She didn’t say it for a while but it’s started up again recently. But, what if you told someone to die and then they really did?  You’d feel guilty and an overwhelming amount of regret. Words are so powerful, and as a writer I know without a doubt that you have to be careful what you write and say. Because a few well placed words can make someone feel something and while the words may fade that feeling can last for days.

Once I wrote a horror story, it spawned from a terrible dream I had, anyway I wrote it down and added a little here and there. The feeling of the dream stayed with me for a week and a half, it was awful and I just couldn’t seem to shake it. A while later when I reread the story I had to turn my light on (it was night) because it creeped me out so much, I even had trouble getting to sleep later. I toned down the story and of course resolved it a little bit and that did help, but I realized something very important from that. I do not want to make anyone feel like that. I have to be careful what I write, and I think it’s the same with what we say. Words have so much more power than most people realize, and if more people knew what kind of affect they were personally having on others they’d be shocked and possibly even horrified.

Sorry this post has been a little bleak and dark it’s just been a really hard two weeks. I know things will get better and I am working on being more open. It just gets a little overwhelming at times and I guess this is just one of those times. It’s ridiculous to try and wait for a “good” moment to have a breakdown and cry, but here I am doing that very thing. I’ll be okay, I’ve got a lot to be grateful for especially during this time of year. And even if they’re not good at cheering others up I do love my sisters very much. They’re not perfect and neither am I, or you, or anyone. That’s just how it is. Wouldn’t life be boring if everyone was perfect?

I hope you are all doing well, and if not just believe and foster whatever hope you’re able to muster, things will get better.